Day 81 – More Lessons…

Day 81 – Tonight, I was truly not looking forward to my mile time primarily because I was physically not up to it. Spiritually, I was looking forward to the time with God. However, I waited until the last minute (just nature of the crazy day I had) and instead of carving out time at the beginning of the day – I waited until I had nothing left to give back to God. Funny how you can go 80 days and still have the same issues.

I think that is true for almost everyone. There are moments when we will kick one habit and eventually it will rear its ugly head and reappear. You will think that habit is long over and suddenly you are right back to day one. Today was that day for me. I know better than to wait until the end of the day to give anything to God. It isn't that I didn't pray throughout the day or spend any time with him. However, that dedicated time was last today instead of first. Makes me sad…

It is so important for us to take that time and start the day that way. It is important to keep Scripture in front of us. So many people have asked me why. The reason is simple…the Word is living and breathing. Go to John 1 if you don't believe me. It says:

John 1:1

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. ²He was with God in the beginning.

The Bible also talks about how we need to keep that word close to our heart and help our children understand it as well.

Deuteronomy 6:6-9

Write these commandments that I've given you today on your hearts. Get them inside of you and then get them inside your children. Talk about them wherever you are, sitting at home or walking in the street; talk about them from the time you get up in the morning to when you fall into bed at night. Tie them on your hands and foreheads as a reminder; inscribe them on the doorposts of your homes and on your city gates.

 

I know that God knows my heart and knows it was not intentional to start the day without Him. I'm blessed to know that while I have slip ups – He forgives me. I tell you this – I can tell the days where I don't start with Him. They are always more trying, tiring and lacking the sweetness of other days. Ah…live and learn…even on day 81!!!

Day 80 – Hold your Breath

Day 80 – 50 seconds….that's exactly how long I can hold my breath while watching my children doing track. Track season officially started today and both of my older girls are doing track. I learned last year that I basically hold my breath during most of their events. That worked last year because my oldest did high jump, long jump and the 4x200. Well, high and long jumps are only seconds between each jump. The 200 was only 30 seconds of asthma inducing breath holding. This year, my oldest has been put in the 400 in addition to jumps. That's slightly longer to hold my breath. My middle daughter got put in the 400 and the 800 – so more breath control there as well.

I don't have any delusion that I can somehow effect the change in their performance. I just can't help it when I want them to do well for their own self-confidence and worth. It is exciting to see them do well and see the smiles on their faces along with seeing their friends cheering for them. I also skip a breath when they don't do well because I know how disappointed they are in themselves. I know that they think I will be disappointed with them but my heart just breaks for them when they don't do their best.

I wonder what God thinks or does when we, his children, are doing well or not well. I don't suppose he holds his breath since he isn't human but you know it must bring a smile to his face every time we shine his glory. No need for him to boast as he made all of us and he can just sit back and enjoy his creation.

Matthew 10:30-32 (not necessarily the verse I would normally choose)

³⁰And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. ³¹So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

 ³²"Whoever acknowledges me before men, I will also acknowledge him before my Father in heaven.

I pulled out that set of verses because it shows that God takes time to pay attention to detail even the number of hairs on your head…so for those of you who think he doesn't have time to sit and watch you and just enjoy – he makes the time! He wants to be there for your highest moments and your lowest of lows. You are His wonderful creation and YOU ARE GOOD!

Day 79 - Tired

Day 79 – On certain days, I am more tired than others. I only slept about an hour last night and today would be a day where I feel a little tired. Then, after having drama today, I kind of hit the wall. I wanted to take a nap but knew that I couldn't because I might not sleep tonight. Such the dilemma!

I thought about how Jesus walked EVERYWHERE! How his journey must have seemed long and tiring! Not to mention the fact that he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders – I imagine that he was really tired.

Isaiah 40:28

Do you not know?
       Have you not heard?
       The LORD is the everlasting God,
       the Creator of the ends of the earth.
       He will not grow tired or weary,
       and his understanding no one can fathom.

While the physical man was tired, God will not grow tired and weary. There is nothing to small for him to handle and our understanding of him is so limited. So, while we get tired from time to time, we don't work 24/7 without ceasing. We complain about a few minutes to spend in the Bible or time with Him and we forget that he is always on the job and there with us even when we ignore him.

So, even when I'm tired and don't feel like I have the energy, He picks me up and gives me the perseverance to press on.

Day 78 – Fill My Cup

Day 78 – Have you ever eaten yourself into a food coma? I did that tonight….and man am I beyond full. Why I did it isn't really that important but it really made me reflect on today's message from church.

Our pastor talked about how much we fill our cup with sin and how once the cup is full – how do we appear clean? Once the cup is full (which technically could be one sin) you cannot fill it with anything else. The only thing that could remove that sin from your life and clean your cup is through Christ. He took it on and bore every lash in our place.

I have seen so many good illustrations with this over time. One of my favorites that I used to show the youth group was using two cups full of clear liquid (one water and the other not). The first one represented our life and then I would add different food colorings to it until it looked like dirt. Then the other glass represented a pure life (Jesus) and how filling your life with that was the only way to clean your heart. So I would pour part of the pure liquid into the dirty liquid and it would all become clear. Then, I would pour more food coloring in the original cup that looked like dirt and it would immediately disappear. The point was that if you accepted Jesus into your heart, he washed you white as snow and covers you with His righteousness.

So, as I was filling myself more and more with food tonight…I was thinking about how we fill ourselves with THINGS to try to make ourselves happy. Whether it is food, material things, or people…we look to the wrong things to fill our cup. Inevitably, we will come up with an empty cup every time because it will never fill us the way that we need. Jesus paid the price and is the ONLY thing that will truly fill our cup.

1 Timothy 2:5-6

"For there is one God and one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus, who gave himself as a ransom for all men—the testimony given in its proper time."-

Day 77 – “Normal”

Day 77 – There are some days when I can fully appreciate a "normal" day.

When I was growing up, my closest friend and I used to joke about what "normal" really was. We used to say that there really was no such thing as normal because it was really abnormal to be normal because no one is completely normal. Did you follow that?

Anyway, after last night and this morning, I can truly appreciate a "normal" day. As you know, I have mentioned how I have struggled with some sleeping issues over the last several months. One of my blogs even documented my goofy sleep test where I'm happy to say I did not have sleep apnea. Woohoo! No funky mask or ear blowing in my head all night! However, I did have massive sleep disturbances. My doctor decided she wanted to get me back on track with my sleep with a mild sedative that I would take for a month and then wean off. Sounds innocuous doesn't it? NOT!!!

I waited until my husband was home from travel just in case I had an adverse reaction. Boy, am I glad that I did that. I took it for the first time last night and got sleepy pretty quickly. Then, I woke this morning at 7 and could hardly open my eyes. I closed them again and woke again at 8:30. Again, it was impossible to open my eyes. I tried so hard to wake up but I just couldn't. Then, when I did try, I saw double and was dizzy. I had the most difficult time trying to get up. My husband was kind enough to go get me coffee at Starbucks to try to help me wake up. He even got me a Venti which is the largest one. Normally a venti would have sent me through the roof jittery wise. This time, it just took the edge off the meds…no impact from the caffeine. NOT good! Let me just say – NEVER again. I will just have to deal with the sleep issue another way.

How often do we trade one problem for another one in effort to make things easier? When we try to ignore things going wrong in our life – we often will choose a different path that has another set of problems attached. We think we are choosing something easier when in fact it is just making our life more difficult than it was.

God truly has made it pretty simple…so why do we make it so difficult? We run away from facing our issues in hopes that they will go away and in turn gain more problems. When we rest in Jesus, we can fall on our knees and know that Jesus will help us not only face ourselves but move beyond.

Psalm 62:7

"My salvation and my honor depend on God ; he is my mighty rock, my refuge."-

Day 76 – Such a time…

Day 76 – There are people that come and go in our lives – sometimes with a whisper and sometimes with thunderous sounds. There really is no rhyme or reason to it in our eyes but it is clear that God brings them into our lives for a reason.

The question is – what do we do with the time when we are with them? Do we make idle chit chat or do we find out where their heart really lies?

I was thinking today about how we are surrounded by people ALL the time. We don't know their life stories, we co-exist with all of them, and yet we walk through life without really knowing most of them. God can use our moments that we are around people and use them for His glory. Whether it is a cashier or someone waiting on your table – we need to take the time to see God at work even in those little situations. It isn't an opportunity to bash someone over the head and tell them they are going to hell…but there is a reason it says in the Bible, "They will know us by our love".

Last week, I was in the counselor's office where I am going for the A.D.D. and a man looked at me and said, "Have we met – because you look soooo familiar!" I laughed and wasn't sure. Anyway, my son retorted by saying…"Mom, everyone thinks that you look familiar and that they know you." He and I talked about it on the way home and I told him that I would like to think that the familiar part they see is the Christ that lives inside of me. I pray that it isn't me they see at all. He liked that idea and agreed.

We just never know those God moments and when they come. We never know when our divine appointment to act on the behalf of God is on our doorstep.

In Esther it talks about "such a time as this"… She had no idea why she was being crowned queen when she was a Jew and how God was going to use her to free her people. How would she have known? The point is, there will always be moments that cross our path and it is up to us to realize that this might just be "such a time". I don't know about you – but I want to be aware and awake when I talk with people and experience life to not miss God standing right before me.

Esther 4:14

¹⁴ For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?"

Day 75 - Waiting

Day 75 – You know it is funny how this whole project started and I suppose the ending is not going to be any different. I started with a question that I have had for God for quite some time. It is something I haven't received an answer to for years. He made it clear to me that I would start to receive an answer if I went on this quest. Today, I received part of the answer. It was calming and there were no bells that went off at the event. I just calmly received what I have awaited and not heard anything on until today.

I realize I am being a bit vague – but the question isn't what is important here. It is that God's timing is perfect and that sometimes we need to wait. We don't always get the answer we want and I don't know about you – I'm ok with that. I just want an answer even if the answer is no. Waiting is so difficult and yet it teaches us incredible perseverance.

So, I am sitting back and thanking God for the blessing of answering even a piece of what I have been asking for so long. I am grateful to move forward knowing that it is in God's hands.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, 11

¹ There is a time for everything,
       and a season for every activity under heaven:

 ² a time to be born and a time to die,
       a time to plant and a time to uproot,

 ³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
       a time to tear down and a time to build,

 ⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
       a time to mourn and a time to dance,

 ⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
       a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

 ⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
       a time to keep and a time to throw away,

 ⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
       a time to be silent and a time to speak,

 ⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
       a time for war and a time for peace

¹¹ He has made everything beautiful in its time.

Day 74 – The Zoo

Day 74 – Such a beautiful day today…the sun was shining and I was able to spend time with my son. We decided to go to the Akron Zoo today. It is so inexpensive in the off season and it sounded like a great plan with the wonderful weather. I was all set to go when he asked if his two friends could go (my best friend's kids). I debated for a few seconds and realized I could help my best friend out as she had a doctor's appointment. Furthermore, she is on crutches and probably didn't want them to come along for the ride.

We set off for Akron and because it was the off season, were able to park within 10 spaces of the door. Woohoo! We paid, got our map and we were off and running…literally. Let me say, it has been awhile since I have been to the zoo with a 9, 10 and 12 year old. I wasn't aware that the zoo was a race…did you?! We began near the Flamingoes and before I knew it – all three of them were off and running to the next exhibit. That was fine at the beginning as the exhibits were close together but the further into the park you got, the further the exhibits became. They ran from thing to thing and I just enjoyed the sunshine and a leisurely walk. I am grateful we were one of maybe 15 people in the whole zoo mind you but we each enjoyed it in our own way.

I kept thinking about how we are such a fast food society. We want information, food and life quickly and often at a touch of a button. How often are we running through life just getting a glimpse instead of really sitting and enjoying the sunshine and scenery? We expect everything given to us on a silver platter…and make it FAST.

Here is a fun set of verses…but only fun in The Message version

Amos 6:3-6

 ^3-6Woe to you who are rushing headlong to disaster!
   Catastrophe is just around the corner!
Woe to those who live in luxury
   and expect everyone else to serve them!
Woe to those who live only for today,
   indifferent to the fate of others!
Woe to the playboys, the playgirls,
   who think life is a party held just for them!
Woe to those addicted to feeling good—life without pain!
   those obsessed with looking good—life without wrinkles!
They could not care less
   about their country going to ruin.

 

Whoa! That is pretty straight forward isn't it?! Thank you for giving me the enjoyment of resting in your Sonshine today!

Day 73 - Wimpy

Day 73 – Ah….another Spring Break day with my son. We did a variety of things – nothing exciting except going to see a movie. Diary of a Wimpy Kid ….ugh…what can I say about that movie except that it is virtually 2 hours of my life I can't get back again.

HOWEVER, there truly were some life lessons to learn. Not everyone will grasp these lessons within the movie…so let me save your pocketbook and time by sharing them with you.

1. Don't ever assume that you are benefitting a friend that seems lower on the totem pole than you. Often it is THEM that you need and THEY are the ones that help build and lift you up.
   
2. Don't take the easy road to make yourself look better.
   
3. Friends are always better than a reputation
   
4. And finally….(drum roll please)….Middle School just stinks!
   

Ok…now that I have saved you time waiting in line, your waistline from popcorn and candy, and your brain from rotting…let's get to the real lessons.

I don't know about you but middle school holds mixed emotions for me for so many reasons. Most people that I talk to would not EVER repeat those years. However, the one thing I recall so clearly was that true friends became VERY clear during those years. Some people became followers to look better or to fit in. Others tanked and became moody for whatever reason. My true friends rose like cream and showed their true colors when the chips were down.

I truly think middle school is our first battle ground to learn trials on our own. Up until that point, our parents hold our hands and help us along. Suddenly, middle school brings independence and self-reliance. I wish I would have understood at that point how much I really needed God instead of myself. Those trials are meaningless unless we are able to learn and grow closer to Him.

I can sit and joke about middle school and laugh about how those 3 years were a blur of awkwardness but in reality it was training ground for the real world and what Satan would throw my way.

James 1:12

"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him."-

Day 72 - Potential

Day 72 – What a tough lesson today! Where do I even start?! Let me start by saying that I'm sure I am going to sound scattered in writing tonight. My heart is a little sad and I am trying to wrap my head around everything I am learning and feeling.

My son has been struggling with A.D.D. for some time now. We had been able to cope with it up until this year through various means. However, whenever he grows he seems to get much worse. It has become more of a struggle than a maintenance issue this year. It has caused me to do a lot of reading and reflection.

When I was in elementary school, I started to struggle in school when I was in my massive growth stage. It was so difficult because I would test off the charts IQ wise but in the classroom – not so much. My teachers just thought I wasn't meeting my potential or that I had personal issues that impacted schoolwork. NO….that wasn't it at all. I actually did better in my harder classes than in my easier ones. I would forget assignments and lose things on a regular basis. Hmmm…what's wrong with this picture? So, then the question became – is she just bored? Needless to say, I was clearly exhibiting signs of ADD even early on. However, they didn't diagnose that when I was a kid. They might diagnose a child that was beyond hyperactive but it was rare. There was no such thing as Autism or Asperger's or the various other things that are diagnosed now. I just felt helpless at times which then leads to self-esteem issues and feeling like you can't succeed. It took me the longest time to realize I was actually smart – I just needed to learn how to tap into my brain.

In this effort to help my son, I realized how long I had been dealing with A.D.D. and how it explained so much of what I've been through and where I am still at. I even started seeing a counselor about this so that I can get treated. She had me read a few books and after reading one today, I have just sat struggling all afternoon with thinking about the things that could have been different if I had been treated early enough. I know that I should just be beyond thrilled that I understand myself better now – but in truth – I am sad because of what could have been different. I know that we cannot go back and change things and that timing is what it is. My heart just hurts because I could have done so many things better had I understood what impact I had on others around me. I also could have known the pitfalls and been alert to the dangers that come with that diagnosis. All I can do now is try to move forward and try not to look back as it hurts too much. I will try to advocate for my son so that he doesn't have to face the same pain and can know he isn't alone.

Ephesians 6:10-11

"[The Armor of God] Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes."-

Day 71 – Stomp!

Day 71 – It was a quiet day and as always full of blessings. I went to church and just enjoyed the morning. We were blessed with a message about how Jesus trusted his father even under great pressure right before he was taken captive. He struggled and prayed in the Garden shortly before that time frame. Our pastor showed a clip from The Passion. He showed that time before Jesus was taken captive and how Jesus stamped out the temptation before him. The figure representing Satan had a snake (referencing back to Genesis with Adam and Eve) slither beneath his cloak and start towards Jesus when he was on his knees. Jesus stands up and stomps him dead….just like he will in the end.

After church, I sat with great anticipation waiting for my son to return from his 3 day camping trip. They were a few hours late but he came back very excited. He and one other new scout put up their tent together the other night (at midnight) and had a great time together. I got to hear stories and see how much he had accomplished in the last few days. It just made me realize how much I could let go (to a point) and trust that he is growing up to be the man that I know God will have him be.

Jeremiah 17:7-8

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit."-

Our trust in the Lord is secure and those things that interfere and get in our way will be stamped out.

Day 70 – Milk

Day 70 – Did I just type the right number? Is it really day 70?! I will be honest with you – when I started this journey…again…I wasn't sure I would make it to day 7 let alone day 70. It is so critical for my ADD to see this through to the end.

I cannot tell you how many ways I have been distracted along the way to try to pull me from my mile. It is such a routine now – I'm not sure I can give it up. That time during my day is such a breath of fresh air…sometimes huffing and puffing…that I think I might be sad without it. It has truly shown me how empty we can truly be without that time with God. You do truly start to crave that time and for more of His Word.

It truly has been funny to watch scripture pop up in different places and at different times. If you haven't ever believed that the Bible is living…just try the experiment that I have been doing. There are times when I will have written something the previous night and then at church, the scripture is identical. Or, someone will say the exact words that had just crossed my path in the mile.

The scripture that popped up today is so appropriate and I think you will see why.

1 Peter 2:2-3

"Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good."-

The Lord is good and every word is like a beautiful feast.

Day 69 - Crossover

Day 69 – Tonight, I watched my son become a man…well…sort of. We went to his ceremony where he crossed over from being a cub scout to a boy scout. I cannot tell you how happy I was for him but how sad I was that he is growing up so quickly.

In the ceremony, they have the parents approach with the Cub Scout. The scout then shakes hands with all of the mentors he has had for the last 5 years. After the shaking of hands, he steps up to a bridge which symbolizes crossing over. He approaches the bridge alone, salutes the cub scouts where he is leaving and then salutes the scouts where he is going. Daniel looked so big as he reached the top of the bridge and then so tiny when he was among his new brothers in his new troop.

The tradition in his new troop is to go camping the minute the last boy crosses over. So, it wasn't enough for mom to watch her son walk away from her but then to put him in a car with a bunch of young men for 3 days. In all honesty, while it was hard, I know the troop he is in is full of Godly men and he will have an awesome time transforming into the awesome young man I know he can be.

Now, I know my son isn't going off to synagogue to preach and has not lived a perfect life. However, I can only imagine how Mary felt at moments when she looked at her son and realized her son was growing up before her eyes. I can't imagine the emotions that went through her head and heart when she had to see her son crucified on a cross.

I am very blessed to have every minute with my son and grateful for the lessons I learn about myself in the process of him growing up.

Matthew 18:10

See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven

Day 68 – The “P” Word

Day 68 – The one word I rarely pray for is "patience". There is a reason for that! Whenever I do pray for that – I get it in huge quantities and not in the way that you would probably hope. I know that when I pray for that, I usually am hoping for a reprieve from the situation. It is funny how we think that patience means a break from stress.

Our Bible study has been studying Esther and learning how she had to wait upon God. Clearly there isn't a book written about me and my effort to further the kingdom of God. The patience and waiting on the Lord would probably be severely lacking in those writings.

In effort to try to just sit back and listen to God, I have learned enormous amounts of patience without asking for it. I probably still won't ask for that in prayer. In my mind – it is still considered the "P" word. However, I have thoroughly enjoyed the daily respite with God to learn what He has for me that day.

Romans 15:13

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."-

I guess I realized that even though I desperately try to entrust God with everything – I inevitably don't because I don't let go and just trust the patience process. I want what I want when I want it…don't you?! Truth be told, I have been praying about certain things for so many years – it is hard to count. However, as we learned in Bible study today, …am I waiting upon the event, a heart change or truly waiting on God's timing in the whole process? Well, in honesty..probably not waiting on God's timing.

I really like the verse in Romans because as we learn to just trust Him and his timing, we are filled and overflowing with the power and hope of the Holy Spirit. May we all feel so blessed! I will continue to work on that process and maybe even pray the "P" word periodically.

 

Day 67 - Quiet Waters

Day 67 – I’m not going to blather on this evening. Last night was very amusing to have 100 wires hooked to my head and body with probes up my nose…all in the hopes of having someone watch me sleep (would you really sleep well with all of that??). Needless to say, I’m tired and ready to sleep for real tonight.


There are certain days where I feel like I do not do anything right and today would be one of them. Instead of focusing on me and the negative, the verses that came to mind were:

Psalm 23:1-3


“[A psalm of David.] The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.”-

While these verses are normally read at a funeral (no, I don’t feel like dying)…it is rather peaceful to think about. God is the one that escorted us into this world and he is the one to whisk us out. He will be the only one there and he will restore our soul. The thought of quiet waters will be what I think about as I drift off tonight.

Day 66 – Sleeeeeep!

Day 66 – As I write, I am sitting in a hospital room …I mean sleep study room that is made to look like a hotel room. They would probably get away with the look except for the fact that I had to pull up to the hospital and walk through the door that said SURGERY in giant letters. As I was walking up here, I passed a sign that said, "Minimally Invasive Surgery" with an arrow pointing. What exactly IS minimally invasive surgery?! I mean really…is there such a thing? Certainly there isn't a sign saying, "This way to Majorly invasive surgery".

In all sincerity, other than where I am presently, I have had a pretty good day. I don't really like being here at the hospital. I don't sleep well in the hospital as it has horrible memories for me. I am praying that I sleep at all.

The biggest thing I learned today is about being kind and compassionate. My poor son really struggles with ADD and he really struggles more when he is in a major growth spurt. Let me tell you – he is there right now! He left half of his homework at school and lost half of what he needed for anything else. He was so hurt and upset and was lashing out because he was frustrated. Instead of losing it too much, I stopped and immediately took him to school. His teacher was there and she tried to be understanding. She gave him extra papers and he came home and worked very hard to get through them.

God gives us compassion and kindness….couldn't I afford my son that as well?! I was irritated that I had to drive back to school and deal with a small issue. How stupid of me!

Colossians 3:12

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience."-

Day 65 – Victory!

Day 65 – Ahhh….the lessons that we learn if we truly listen! Today AGAIN was a challenge. You must think I am whining by now. I really am not….or at least I'm not intending to. I am truly amazed by the constant stuff being thrown my way. Today's lessons were blessings in the long run but nonetheless, a challenge.

The morning began at 2:30 AM when I could no longer sleep. Sleep has been somewhat of a commodity for the last 8 months or so. My alarm was set for 6:30, so I choose to think I was just early for my alarm! I awoke needing to fix a hose to our dishwasher as it began leaking last night. Long story made short, our house was built by people that shouldn't be in the business of building and there are MANY things in this house that are complicated. Our water lines are just one of many things I could mention. When you shut our main water line off – the water still flows in certain areas and not in others. I'm no plumber – but that is BAD! Luckily, the other night – I had bought a special shut off valve (called a no sweat valve – so you don't have to sweat getting to the main) specifically for just that hose so that I had a fighting chance of shutting off the leak. Thank goodness God planted that idea in my head the other night. It afforded me time…time to get other things done before tackling the hose.

Then, last night – our computer crashed. My poor daughter could not print her paper that was due and there was not even a hope of trying to fix it in a short bit of time. I am pretty computer savvy and this problem seemed virtually unfixable. The computer wouldn't even boot up. She was so distraught and I tried to e-mail her teacher but her response was that she would learn a hard lesson as she had asked ALL students to put their work on USB drives so they wouldn't have this issue. My daughter didn't and as a result had to pay the consequence. I felt sad for her but knew that this wasn't horrible in the grand scheme of things. What was horrible was that I had several tax documents that were on that computer and our taxes are due NOW. I contacted the accountant and begged for time and thankfully, he had no problem with that.

I am not trying to chronicle my life to whine….REALLY!!! I want to share my little victories in today.

1. I was able to get to Home Depot and Lowes and buy the right sealer to get my pipes sealed properly. God had me look at the right things and check the right information and it made it possible for our dishwasher to work again.
   
2. I was able to get the computer fixed…even though it wouldn't even boot up. God gave me the right things to look at during the right time and I was able to get it to work. I am under no delusion that it was me. The irony in that was that I had told my daughter that as soon as she re-typed her outline and other items needed (which took 2 hours), the other computer would probably reboot. Guess what?! Literally 5 minutes after she got done and printed – it rebooted. It was a wonderful opportunity to share with her how God was probably working in that situation to have her learn.
   

These may seem small but they could have completely robbed me of joy today. Also, I learned some wonderful lessons along the way. It was NOT an easy day but God walked with me every step. I tried to thank Him every step as well. He blessed me with a wonderful Drama practice today and with great discussions with each of my children. He blessed me with calm and peace tonight and peace of mind with the computer and dishwasher. Sounds goofy – but I probably wouldn't have slept tonight knowing that there were things that could be worked on.

As I was doing my mile (yes, I really do them), I was thinking about the armor of God. I love that set of passages in Ephesians 6. However, I love what he says right afterwards:

Ephesians 6:19-20

¹⁹Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, ²⁰for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.

As we go through each day full of challenges, it is an opportunity to show Christ. I will work diligently on not complaining or whining but rather share the victories that are in each day. May we all be fearless as we bring the mystery of the gospel to life.

Day 64 – Choosing Joy

Day 64 – Have you ever had a moment that happened which was beyond your control? Of course you have. Today – that really defines my day.

I was so blessed to start my day by going to my best friend's daughter's baptism. She planned it last week and I was so happy that I was able to go. I was unable to attend the party afterwards because I had a full afternoon planned that had been scheduled prior to knowing about the baptism.

Then, I went with my daughters and a friend and her daughter to see Pride and Prejudice – a play at a local playhouse. A friend of ours was one of the leads and we had planned on going for a little while. We had tickets and I was so looking forward to seeing a play as a spectator instead of a director. Unfortunately, what was also scheduled this evening was a membership class for a church that we have been attending. I had a short window to make it from the playhouse to the church. If all things went well, then we would have plenty of time to make it. Well, the play started almost 15 minutes late…sigh! Then, during intermission, instead of 15 minutes – they took 30. In the middle of intermission, I realized what a pickle we were in and my friend went and traded our wonderful 2^nd row seats for 5 seats in the back row. The women with whom we traded were so thankful and their seats afforded us the ability to stay as long as possible before slipping out early.

The time quickly passed and we left with probably 15-20 minutes left in the play. I was so disappointed but knew that ultimately, there was no choice. My eldest daughter glared at me like I had committed a crime and my middle one was not much better. I felt so helpless and so sad. It wasn't like I was choosing to leave early – I really didn't have a choice. My friend was a blessing as she left early to take me and drop me off.
Then, when I got home – my computer refused to reboot and is completely hosed. What? I mean…really??!! My kids couldn't print homework and suddenly I had a new project waiting for me.
I bring this up because there are ultimately many things going on around us that we really have no control. I felt like all I did today was disappoint people and let them down. Satan tried so hard to drain me of any joy in the day. It was such an awesome day to see another life saved and I refuse to let him have control even though it was such a day full of obstacles and hurt.

My daughters did end up apologizing and I have been able to sit and focus on only the joy that Jesus brought to the day. Tomorrow will be another day and again, I CHOOSE to focus on joy. I cannot choose the stupidity that happens around me – but I can choose the attitude and focus of my heart.

2 Peter 1:5-8"For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ."-

Day 63 – Daylight Savings

Day 63 – Have you ever wondered why we started the whole Daylight Savings time thing? I decided to look it up since it is such a horrid practice in the spring having to move ahead an hour and lose sleep. What's that about?! I know we get more daylight in the afternoon – but I don't like messing with the whole sleep thing.

I looked up in Wikipedia (not the greatest news source – I realize) and this is what it said:
Although not punctual in the modern sense, ancient civilizations adjusted daily schedules to the sun more flexibly than modern DST does, often dividing daylight into twelve equal hours regardless of day length, so that each daylight hour was longer during summer.^[12] For example, Roman water clocks had different scales for different months of the year: at Rome's latitude the third hour from sunrise, hora tertia, started by modern standards at 09:02 solar time and lasted 44 minutes at the winter solstice, but at the summer solstice it started at 06:58 and lasted 75 minutes.^[13] After ancient times, equal-length civil hours eventually supplanted unequal, so civil time no longer varies by season. Unequal hours are still used in a few traditional settings, such as some Mount Athos monasteries^[14] and some Jewish ceremonies.^[15] During his time as an American envoy to France, Benjamin Franklin, author of the proverb, "Early to bed, and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise", anonymously published a letter suggesting that Parisians economize on candles by rising earlier to use morning sunlight.^[16] This 1784 satire proposed taxing shutters, rationing candles, and waking the public by ringing church bells and firing cannons at sunrise.^[17] Franklin did not propose DST; like ancient Rome, 18th-century Europe did not keep precise schedules. However, this soon changed as rail and communication networks came to require a standardization of time unknown in Franklin's day.^[18] Modern DST was first proposed by the New Zealand entomologist
George Vernon Hudson, whose shift-work job gave him leisure time to collect insects, and made him aware of the value of after-hours daylight.^[2] In 1895 he presented a paper to the Wellington Philosophical Society proposing a two-hour daylight-saving shift,^[19] and after considerable interest was expressed in Christchurch, New Zealand he followed up in an 1898 paper.^[20] Many publications incorrectly credit DST's invention to the prominent English builder and outdoorsman William Willett,^[21] who independently conceived DST in 1905 during a pre-breakfast ride, when he observed with dismay how many Londoners slept through a large part of a summer day.^[22] An avid golfer, he also disliked cutting short his round at dusk.^[23] His solution was to advance the clock during the summer months, a proposal he published two years later


I don't know exactly why we are following the practice of someone that in his spare time – collected insects and noticed how great the extra sunshine was in the later hours. Nor do we utilize candles as our primary source of light – so no need to conserve those. Am I supposed to pick up golf so that I can appreciate that time change more?

 Ok – the truth is that I am whining about having to move my clock ahead. We are very blessed to have every minute of breath and in Ohio – every minute of sunshine. I will suck it up and deal with the time change.
Time will not always be available for us to complain and our focus should not be on ourselves. While we lose an hour tonight, we still have time to help others around us. We have time together and time to appreciate and praise God. So while I don't always understand these goofy practices – I know that ALL things are worked for good.
Romans 8:28
"[More Than Conquerors] And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."-

Day 62 – Rabbit Hole

Day 62 – The new rendition of Alice in Wonderland has hit theaters. This movie is supposed to be what happens to Alice after many years have passed and she is a teenager who has found herself falling down that rabbit hole yet again.

Our lives truly are like that. Often we are walking along, we come along a rabbit hole and while investigating it – we fall in. When we finally hit rock bottom (literally) – we realize we are in unfamiliar territory and look for a way out. We often pinch ourselves to try to wake up from the dream/nightmare but find ourselves still caught in the hole with no way out.

Unlike Alice, we do have a way out no matter how deep the hole is. God will throw you the rope and he will pull you out of the mud. You don't need to be perfect and you don't need to be in a particular place for Him to rescue you. Just ask…

Psalm 40: 1-3

¹ I waited patiently for the LORD;
       he turned to me and heard my cry.

 ² He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
       out of the mud and mire;
       he set my feet on a rock
       and gave me a firm place to stand.

 ³ He put a new song in my mouth,
       a hymn of praise to our God.
       Many will see and fear
       and put their trust in the LORD.

Day 61 - History

Day 61 – I want you to stop for just a moment and think about the most outlandish story you have heard from the Bible. Now, remember – this wasn't just a story – this is chronicling someone's life. Some of the stories are horrific. I read one this week about Jezebel and King Ahab that just floored me regarding King Ahab not getting some land for a vegetable garden he wanted to make closer to where he lived. He pouted and whined and Jezebel arranged for the person that owned the land to basically get stoned to death. Wow!!!

Many of the stories we read are about shortcomings and failures and are often quite embarrassing. I can't imagine. The exercise that I used before was to have our youth group kids go through was to ask them how they would live their lives differently if those stories in the Bible were about them. Can you imagine your biggest shortcomings and failings being plastered on a local billboard or worse…a book that has been written for generations to see and use you as an example for what NOT to do? Your name would be synonymous with whatever it was that you did. That is a daunting thought isn't it?! I bet you would probably live your life a little differently if you knew things were being documented about you.

We are so blessed that God can work through our weaknesses to show His strength. I can only imagine the hearts of the people in the Bible and how God worked through them. I'm sure many of them face feeling broken hearted before God worked victoriously in and around them.

Psalm 147:3

 ³ He heals the brokenhearted
       and binds up their wounds.

It is in our weakness that he shows his strength and that we truly find our way back to Him.

Day 60 – Fortune Cookie

 

Day 60 – So my husband and I went out for Chinese food tonight. We have this great little place that is a hole in the wall but they serve really good Chinese food. It really is amusing to me that I eat Chinese food at all. For some reason, I was so tired of Chinese food as a child that I didn't eat any for almost 10 years. My parents always loved going to this one Chinese restaurant where my dad knew the owner. I only liked going there because the owner would give me a plastic oriental fan. We didn't eat out much when I was little because it was truly a waste of money (not that it isn't now). When we did, it was often a cafeteria type place or it was Chinese.

Anyway, it was not the most stellar day today and I was looking for some good humor. Where did I turn? …to my fortune cookie of course! My fortune tonight was: "Within the week you will receive an unexpected gift." Cool! Wonder what I'm going to get… Don't worry – not that stupid. However, how often do we look to something like a fortune cookie or the lotto to answer our prayers or give us direction in our lives? I don't know about you – but I don't want to seek out hope in a stale cookie that really isn't from China.

I know I have hope in Christ. It is because of who he made me, where I've been and what I've experienced that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is hope.

I Peter 3:15

"But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect,"-

I will tell you – Satan threw a whopper one at me today and I'm glad to have come out the other side. Not every day is simple and I'm grateful that tomorrow is a new day. If I looked to a fortune cookie or other means like so many do, I would probably crumble as easily as that cookie. It always sounds good for awhile – but inevitably – we usually throw the message in the trash.

Day 59 – Flat Tire

Day 59 – Did you ever ride a bicycle that had a flat tire? It is such a struggle to get the bike to move forward and almost pointless because inevitably you are fighting an uphill battle. The more you pedal, the more tired you get not to mention frustrated. It is amazing how just a little bit of air makes that tire and bicycle easy to use. Suddenly, you are able to go miles and enjoy everything around you not even thinking about the effortless ride you are having.

There are people in our lives that can give us a deflated feeling. Sometimes the hurt grows to such a level that just like the bicycle, we can't move forward any longer because it is too hard to pedal. I have had people like that in my life and it hurts my heart beyond what I can begin to say. However, I wonder how often I have been that person to someone else. I don't ever want to be the person that takes the wind out of someone else's sail. I truly want to be an encourager and someone that lifts another up. Let's face it, some people are just not very lovable and those are the times where I struggle with being that wonderful encourager. Nothing I would like to do more than be critical of a person with that kind of demeanor. However, that makes me no different.

Matthew 11:28-30  ²⁸"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

There are moments when I definitely feel weary while dealing with a flat tire. Thankfully, God picks me up and helps me battle to re-inflate my tires.

 

 

Day 58 - Split

Day 58 – I was so proud of myself as I went into the school where my son goes to help my best friend as she is the gym teacher. How exciting! She had injured her knee last Friday and I was happy to be able to help her.

We put up the volleyball net and pretty soon her class came in. She did her best to instruct them from the sideline and I kept score as they played a game. All was going very well until their teacher came to pick them up from class. She pulled me aside to let me know I had a huge split in the back of my pants! Really??!! I was immediately embarrassed and tried to figure out when it might have happened. I know that I had worn those pants the day that I tried to lift a 300 lb dresser up my stairs. Did they split then? Who had noticed? Wait a minute – who noticed and didn't tell me???!!! I immediately went and got my best friend's sweatshirt and wrapped it around my waist.

I laughed it off a little and when I went home later – I changed and threw those pants away. Man, how often are we exposed without realizing it? People are clearly watching but probably don't say anything to us. How often is our behavior questionable and no one says anything. How often do YOU not say something to someone for fear of upsetting them? Let's take that one step further – how often are we ashamed to bring up Christ in certain situations because we are afraid it isn't the right timing?

Jesus took on our shame and if there is anything we should be ashamed of it is denying someone else the opportunity to know him. Romans 1:16 says: ¹⁶I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile.

May we always be reminded that our shame is nothing compared to what Jesus took for us. The Gospel message is not something to be ashamed of but something to own and share daily.

Day 57 – Cheesy

Day 57 – Today was a day of performances. My middle daughter had a play to help a group called Faith in Action. Then, my oldest daughter had the screening of the TV show that she filmed this last summer. I have to admit – both performances were a bit cheesy but loved seeing my daughters succeed.

There was a song in the play called, "Faith Like a Mustard Seed" that just made me smile. While the majority of the show was campy, the song made me really think about that verse. The song was a good rendition if we had faith like a mustard seed – we could change the world. It really is true. I get so caught up in the day-to-day stuff that my heart gets filled with anxiety and stress. I hold onto things that are garbage and take up precious time and energy. I also don't always trust God to come through when the chips are down. Have you seen a mustard seed? I bet most of us have. It is beyond tiny! How sad that we don't even have enough faith to measure up to that.

I have been in such reflection mode lately to make sure my heart is in the right place. Today, I came across the following verse and I would like to see if it speaks to you as well.

Psalm 139:23-24

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."-

 

Did God know what I needed to hear today or what?! I am not sure I always like the testing part. In fact, I will admit – I quite often really dislike that part. Do any of us really enjoy that? I think we would all be fine with it if we knew the test would only last a few days but we usually don't have forewarning it is coming nor do we have a timer to let us know when it might be completed.

Lord – I thank you for continuing to renew my heart and truly make me clean. That is all I can ask and all I can expect. While I don't always appreciate it, I know you are working it for the good and refining me into the person I should be.

Day 56 – Out of Control

Day 56 – I have had a productive day finishing my 2^nd coat of paint in my kitchen. That has been an ongoing saga that I just don't care to rehash.

Tonight, my oldest went to her first dance. It wasn't at her school and she was going with a group of girls. First bit of news was that she would have to be submitted to a breathalyzer the moment she walked into the dance. She was laughing and said it was her first breathalyzer and all I could think was – it better be your last. Then I told her that I have never had one. How awful to be subject to that in order to go to a dance. Then, she came to me a few days later and told me that the girls she was going with suddenly had guys that they were going. They were going to seek out a date for her. What?! Clearly, this was out of her control all the way around. I cannot tell you what it has been like as her mother knowing that I have ZERO control over the situation except to not let her go. I decided to let her go and just trust her and more important trust that God was her foundation.

I have spent that last half of today engrossed in getting hit from yet another direction. I don't really want to give it time here except to say that I keep turning those goofy things over to God. It has been a battle every day of this journey and I don't write about ¾ of the things that truly happen. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it will all be for God's glory no matter what the outcome. I would just tell you that you, too, should take heart knowing that the God of the universe is walking along side of you and taking it on. Those things which are completely out of our control are just that – out of our control. ONLY God can take it and we shouldn't even fight to own it.

Isaiah 25:1

Praise to the LORD

 ¹ O LORD, you are my God;
       I will exalt you and praise your name,
       for in perfect faithfulness
       you have done marvelous things,
       things planned long ago.

Day 55 – Stop!

Day 55 – I'm getting this in just under the wire tonight having only gotten home about 30 minutes before midnight.

My best friend blew her knee at a basketball game tonight and off I went to meet her at the hospital. She has had multiple knee injuries over the years so this was nothing new to her. Tonight, her basketball team that she coached was playing against the faculty.  She played until her knee started to give out.  Her heart was to be on that basketball floor with the team that she had coached all season but after it gave out multiple times, she knew she needed to stop. I can only imagine how difficult that was for her.

Her situation made me think during my mile tonight. How often are we in situations where we continually beat our heads against the wall and still are falling apart? I know I have had that experience in a multitude of ways. Sometimes we just need to stop and listen and hear God's leading rather than keep doing what we were doing. I am VERY guilty of not always listening. Aren't we all?
There are times when we will be asked to push forward even through pain and then there are times when we will be asked to stop what we are doing and the only way to know the difference is to truly listen to God.
John 6:44-46:
⁴⁴"No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him, and I will raise him up at the last day. ⁴⁵It is written in the Prophets: 'They will all be taught by God.'^[a] Everyone who listens to the Father and learns from him comes to me.
⁴⁶No one has seen the Father except the one who is from God; only he has seen the Father.

Day 54 - The Test

Day 54 – I have to laugh as it was another day of learning and not the easy way. I got up as usual and got ready to take my son to school. He had asked to go early today – which was a blessing in retrospect. We got in the car and it wouldn’t turn over. You remember that “check engine” light? Well, the car didn’t work any longer.


I immediately started to cry. I had exactly 1 hour of sleep last night and just kind of hit that straw that broke the camel’s back moment. I had my car scheduled for service tomorrow, but NO…it had to break down today! I called my friend and asked if she would come get my son while I figured out what to do. I could have waited until tomorrow but regardless, it was going to need to be towed. Long story made short, I had the car towed.

About 15 minutes into the process, I stopped and tried to laugh and said, “Ok God, you are clearly in control and I am definitely not and only YOU know the reason why this is happening.” My husband had been away until yesterday and had my car broken down sooner, it would have been utter disaster. So, in a way, it was all a blessing how it happened.

My car ended up being fine in the end. I owed nothing. How often does that happen?! Never! Because my car was low on gas, somehow when I didn’t turn over the car long enough I managed to flood the engine today. I was always taught that if you let it sit too long trying to turn over it would flood – but what do I know?! Anyway, it all ended up being nothing. So, why would I go through that today?

The message that came through was that it was truly a test of just trusting God and letting things happen however it comes. That isn’t always easy especially in the middle of crisis. I didn’t do too badly today as I did stop myself from panic and let it happen however. I am grateful to not need the 2x4 impact for me to get it.

Joshua 1:9


“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”-

Day 53 – Hard Work

Day 53 – I have often wondered why I am going through this 100 day exercise other than to grow closer to God. I have often asked why – not that I have received an answer per se but I definitely have been curious as to the grand plan and if there is something wonderful at the end of this.

Truth is, the wonderful part has already been evident by seeing God in everyday items. I really try not to overlook the most mundane things as being a possible message from God for that day. Today, I worked on my kitchen (again) and didn't even stop for lunch. I am so exhausted from painting, sanding, cleaning and lifting heavy furniture that I can hardly see a message clearly. I guess I would walk away from today clearly knowing that hard work is necessary to reach our goals and more importantly God's mission.

I don't know why I question because my thought process really shouldn't enter into why God may or may not ask me to do something. Not that I shouldn't think about it but ultimately, He has reasons for having us go through trials, walk through fire, or celebrate.

The irony in today is that I opened up www.biblegateway.com and it had the following verse as the verse of the day:

Isaiah 55:8-9

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."-

So I am back to not questioning and just listening to the clear leadings that the Lord has for me every day. I will not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow has enough worry in itself. May we all be blessed with hearing God so clearly in our day to day walk.

Day 52 – Check Engine

Day 52 – I started the car this morning to take my girls to school and the check engine light came on. In the last few days, the check fuel cap sign kept coming on so I was hoping that would fix it. I got out of the car, released and reattached the gas cap and alas that was not the solution. Bummer! Like I have time to go to take my car into the shop?! Of course, who does?

As I went throughout the day, I kept hoping that light would turn off but it didn't. What struck me as I kept driving hoping my car wouldn't break down as my husband is out of town, is that we often need a checkup. I'm not talking health. Just as our car needs oil and needs periodic tune-ups, so does our heart. If we put the wrong oil in our car, it can stop working and even damage the engine. If we don't give our car a tune-up every once in awhile, we might miss something that is impacting the engine and then the car can stop working the right way. We work the same way. If we are putting the wrong things into our heart and mind, we can start chugging and stop being effective or working for God. There are times when we need God to check our heart and run a scan to help us run efficiently.

Jeremiah 17:10

¹⁰ "I the LORD search the heart
       and examine the mind,
       to reward a man according to his conduct,
       according to what his deeds deserve."

We are blessed to have God to examine our heart and tell us if we are putting the wrong things in it. He is the only way to keep running and working for him. Without it, we will end up on the side of the road broken down and without a tow truck.

Day 51 – Be Alert

Day 51 – Today was the first day of Drama Club for the Winter/Spring season. We are doing The Wizard of Oz. We have 56 kids between the ages of 9 and 15. I love most moments with drama but the first day is always chaotic. We always have new students and then there is the excitement of all being back together again.

The biggest thing that we do different than any other regular drama group is give a Gospel message at the end of our performances. We always tie in an awesome message that is clearly God driven and as far as I know, there has been at least one person to come to Christ every time we have done that. This time is no different. We came up with some awesome ties with the entire play. In fact, the Gospel message has been so clear that we knew the moment that it became apparent; we would get hit from every direction up until the play.

I had to laugh today because as my friend, who helps me run drama, and I tried to get to drama, we hit every possible obstacle. We had been working on a project for the greater part of the afternoon and knew that we had just enough time to make it on time to drama. We hit construction traffic not once but twice, we hit every light (which there were probably 30) and when there wasn't a light – we hit school buses with red flashing lights. We both knew what was happening and while frustrated, we both chose to laugh because it was so clear cut how we were being pulled away.

If you don't think these things happen, you aren't paying attention. Satan would like nothing than to distract you from doing the work of God. God warns us and tells us to be alert. That is a pretty clear statement that we shouldn't ignore. Open your eyes and watch the little things around you whether an argument, traffic, or something as goofy as lights and construction.

I Peter 5:8

 ⁸Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. ⁹Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.