Day 72 - Potential

Day 72 – What a tough lesson today! Where do I even start?! Let me start by saying that I'm sure I am going to sound scattered in writing tonight. My heart is a little sad and I am trying to wrap my head around everything I am learning and feeling.

My son has been struggling with A.D.D. for some time now. We had been able to cope with it up until this year through various means. However, whenever he grows he seems to get much worse. It has become more of a struggle than a maintenance issue this year. It has caused me to do a lot of reading and reflection.

When I was in elementary school, I started to struggle in school when I was in my massive growth stage. It was so difficult because I would test off the charts IQ wise but in the classroom – not so much. My teachers just thought I wasn't meeting my potential or that I had personal issues that impacted schoolwork. NO….that wasn't it at all. I actually did better in my harder classes than in my easier ones. I would forget assignments and lose things on a regular basis. Hmmm…what's wrong with this picture? So, then the question became – is she just bored? Needless to say, I was clearly exhibiting signs of ADD even early on. However, they didn't diagnose that when I was a kid. They might diagnose a child that was beyond hyperactive but it was rare. There was no such thing as Autism or Asperger's or the various other things that are diagnosed now. I just felt helpless at times which then leads to self-esteem issues and feeling like you can't succeed. It took me the longest time to realize I was actually smart – I just needed to learn how to tap into my brain.

In this effort to help my son, I realized how long I had been dealing with A.D.D. and how it explained so much of what I've been through and where I am still at. I even started seeing a counselor about this so that I can get treated. She had me read a few books and after reading one today, I have just sat struggling all afternoon with thinking about the things that could have been different if I had been treated early enough. I know that I should just be beyond thrilled that I understand myself better now – but in truth – I am sad because of what could have been different. I know that we cannot go back and change things and that timing is what it is. My heart just hurts because I could have done so many things better had I understood what impact I had on others around me. I also could have known the pitfalls and been alert to the dangers that come with that diagnosis. All I can do now is try to move forward and try not to look back as it hurts too much. I will try to advocate for my son so that he doesn't have to face the same pain and can know he isn't alone.

Ephesians 6:10-11

"[The Armor of God] Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes."-